A Grace? Or a skill?

(Tchaikovsky -The Seasons “June”. Sviatoslav Richter) 

It was hard to know how to handle that experience. Did it mean she was always present? In the house -just as usual but in another sense -another dimension? Or did it mean some worm-hole had been created by our bond and loyalty…that she was far away, yes, but could come in a flash through a way of timelessness, place-less-ness when love called her?

I had no idea. I decided to talk to her. As there was no-one (alive any more) to observe my strange ways, I also decided to save her a treat as usual, after dinner. Talking to her, occasionally -seemed the right thing to do under such circumstances. I was grateful for the absence of humankind, for they would have judged, most harshly, a multiple-bereaved older woman talking to thin air…..

All that next day she remained near me. We walked, I laughed, I threw sticks into the apple trees. When I spoke to her, I felt her connect with me. Her silent heartfelt answer. When I lay in bed at night, a little warm glow of dog’s affection reached my Soul.  Smiling, I closed my eyes.

The next morning she disappeared. As if she had never been.

“Did I do wrong? Should I have kept this a secret?”

For a week, I couldn’t grieve.

Day after day there was no contact with her, no sense of her presence. Another week went by -still nothing.  I wondered if that was it -she had said her goodbye and was finally gone. There had been no recurrence of the out of body experience. I was unsure what to do; to try to make it happen again, or to let go, accept that had been a rare Grace, and leave it alone….

I began to sense brief “flashes” of her, lasting for only a split second, caught in the Soul’s peripheral vision. But when I recognized them, they flitted away like will o’ the wisps.

I confided in a friend. He gazed at me, fell silent, then said;

“Don’t go out looking for her.”

Why not…?

I didn’t even have to ask the question.

“Just don’t, that’s all. Let her come to you when she’s ready. Be patient.”

Don’t go out looking for her.

Maybe he’s right. Sometimes we are given a rare Grace. We capture the moment, hold a drop of Heaven in our hands for an instant. To be thankful is all we need to do.

But another morning came when I woke before dawn. For a while I lay still, wondering should I try to reach her again?

Then, decided, I got up. I would try. As the sun rose, I went back to lie still, letting my body relax until I had no more sense of it. Again the buzzing, humming sounds began. A thought ran through my mind:

She seems well, happy, free, under no duress. Can this harm her? Ought I to let her go completely? Just let her fly away to the Spirit-place far from here, far from me…..

My legs floated, arms floated. I remembered the reality-check to emphasize full consciousness. Then I saw the room, lit with morning threads of sun, heard noises beyond my door, saw glimpses of her moving out there. Through an inch-wide crack where the open door met the door-frame, I could see her, minding her own business, licking belly, licking feet, gently scratching her ears with a hind-foot. Her other foot tapped the floor occasionally in this morning ritual of a dog preparing for the day, waiting for my lie-in to end. Her body moved slightly, in and out of sight…..

“Misty!”

But no sound came from my voice. I fought against it, but was mute. There was nothing I could do. My ethereal form returned so soon, there was not even chance to move towards her.

That night she returned, her little Soul glowing with a light of love. We sat together by the fire.

By morning she had said farewell again.

I am certain she will be back…..

Return visits

She liked Satie…this reminds me of her (Erik Satie Gnossienne No.5)

She seemed to completely disappear after that. I wasn’t taken aback, I’d received a blessing. She had shown me she still lived. But more than that -she had shown me in an energetic sense, that there was now nothing wrong with her. I had sensed, in the brief contact, the essence of her character, and that there was no weakness, no sadness, no suffering, no weariness. She had been vibrant.

I expected nothing more. But a week later, as I was driving, it happened again. Beside me in the passenger seat, Misty’s character appeared…not as a vision, but simply as a wave of affection and energy. I laughed again, the contact filled me with joy.

She disappeared again…totally.

And re-appeared on the 29th July in the midst of a thunderstorm….

She’d never been afraid of storms. She took them in her stride, just like herds of Bullocks, torrential rain, big bad dogs (she charmed them), insurmountable obstacles, German Shepherds five times her size…. The only things she showed any apprehension about were little kindling sticks which dared to crackle as they were burning…. and swearing.

Misty…where do you go? You visit -full of love, you hang around a while, then you dash away….where to? When you’re gone, you seem so totally gone! There isn’t a touch of you, not a whisper, nothing. But each time you return, dashing back to me with affection, you seem so strong and well.

I had to admit -these visits were definitely her. In our everyday life, I knew Misty well enough to be able to sense her presence, even in a darkened room, even when she was still and I couldn’t see her -I always knew by a sixth sense, whether she was in that room or not. These communications were clear and distinct, and the oddest thing…they went against my ordinary thinking.

I was skeptical. Not to a crippling degree, but had always been unsure about the existence of life after death -yes, even though I had experienced some unusual events in my past. There could possibly have been an alternative explanation.  I’d hoped there might be some existence beyond this life, as total annihilation didn’t seem to make much sense  (Einstein “Energy is neither created nor destroyed”) But as yet I’d had no hard evidence of it.

But this …..this was different. I could not find any alternative explanation. Not for that clear contact which was Misty -out of the blue and unbidden.

My old view had been shattered. But there was even more to come.

A full moon

 She liked this too. We used to play ‘hunt the squeaker and ball’ on a rainy day to this music...(Ennio Morricone -On Earth as it is in Heaven -from “The Mission”)

You passed away at the full moon.

I endure the days. You were all I had, but I have to live. My house, at first empty and frightening (no-one visits now) is changing…

It’s strange…I shouldn’t, but I want to go back there, even though your bed has no occupant, the rooms still seem filled with you. When I open the doors, there is love. All around, sunk into every stone, every fibre, everywhere I walk there is love. The house remembers you, and I remember you for love can never die. Although I know you are very far away, my love can never die. It hangs, like a perfume in our home. I still cry, but at the centre of my tears there is an essence of you. Something still living. It’s in my heart and memory, that’s all. But I’ll carry you with me there.

I will remember you every day. I will remember what you brought me.

The moon wanes, is re-born, waxes again. On July 6th in the early evening, for the first time, I’m able to concentrate on something, and am absorbed in a video, a veterinary program about farm animals….when something happens. Something which shifts my whole axis.

I am suddenly and unexpectedly flooded with a wave of affection and greeting. I am lifted, changed, lit up, and overwhelmed.

“It’s you! How can it be you?”

But unmistakably, it is Misty’s energy and life and character! With me in the room, making me laugh, making me stretch out my arms so I can almost touch her, almost smell the honey-scent of her.

For about ten minutes, she stays with me. The feeling is a huge cuddle-up, exactly like the ones we shared, dog’s heart to woman’s heart, a glow of love. This is a real, living thing, not a hallucination, or a wish, or even my own grief or love…it’s her.

Slowly, she fades. I don’t know where to. But she lives. She still lives!

I know this is a blessing. I have been given this to know she is safe, well,  is healed, restored, and still alive, though in another dimension. I hoped she might exist after death -somehow, somewhere. But this…I did not expect.

Soul of a dog

 She liked this music (American Beauty Soundtrack)

For those who read   Misty’s Blog -you will know that on June 5th 2012 she succumbed to Hemangiosarcoma. This fit, happy, almost supernormally-strong dog, who defied all signs of aging (she was nearly 15) -lay down on her bed on the night of the 4th June, and couldn’t get up. I watched her all through that night, waiting -as advised- for her internal bleeding to stop. It might have done. It had stopped before, and recovering her strength, she had got on with life. She had a great will to live. She was an outdoor dog, never happier than when ranging for miles through fields and woods, and as her years advanced, she showed no signs of slowing-down.

I always thought there was something unusual about this. Most 14-year-old dogs do not have the exercise capacity, strength or agility of a four year old. But Misty had. In  March I observed as she approached a three foot high wire fence, saw no way under or through it, and launched herself into the most beautiful, graceful leap, clearing the top of it with ease, and landing gently in the grass, to spin round and ask for the frisbee to be thrown.

Seeing how she lived like that every day, how she had basic good health, with no chronic conditions, and also how she surmounted any odds (two lots of successful breast surgery in the Spring of 2012) I was convinced she had many years still in her, and hoped she would die an “old lady”, in her bed aged perhaps eighteen. It was feasible.

I had never known a dog like her; a good girl, obedient, sociable, loving, loyal and sweet-natured, with an elegance and grace of character of such an exquisite kind I had never met before in a dog.

She was my dog. I have no children, but even so, I never felt that she was my “baby”. She was never treated as a baby, but as a dog. But a strange dog. There was  no species-barrier,  she was sister to me, companion, equal, the one I loved. In life it was just the two of us, as friends and most of my family had died.

Yes I was her protector, but equally, she was mine. Thanks to her companionship she restored me to the place I belonged.

However, on that last night, I was the one in charge. At 6am, with no improvement, instead, a sudden worsening of symptoms, and with a dreadful prognosis for her blood cancer, I made the terrible decision protectors often have to make. To have her euthanized.

She passed away quickly and peacefully. The whole procedure took only five seconds. I heard her last breath being taken as I held her gently, whispering to her to go to sleep, that it was alright now. After that last breath an awful silence started. A silence like no other.

Her body went to the earth, for she had always loved the earth, her feet had always smelled of it. I planted flowers above her, and a little solar light to shine out in the darkness.

And my grieving began. I had never known a devastation like it.